Working with Resistance

When we encounter resistance, whether in ourselves as coaches or in our clients, we’re uncovering the raw material for transformation. Resistance should be celebrated because it is the signpost to insight waiting to happen. It indicates the coaching is “getting somewhere” because it’s in the middle of resistance that breakthroughs occur.

When a client resists an idea or experience, they’re unconsciously highlighting the very beliefs and thought patterns limiting them and keeping them stuck in the self. By exploring this, we uncover more of the root of limitation and open the door to shifts out of the separate self and “into” nondual awareness.

Instead of trying to push past resistance or overcome it, we get curious. “What’s this resistance trying to protect? What truth is it hiding?” This aligns with the understanding that everything, including resistance, is an expression of our true nature. By embracing it, we’re embracing what has been overlooked. This inclusion leads to a wholeness and integration that is liberating. Working with resistance in this way demonstrates to clients that there’s nothing in their experience that needs to be pushed away or fixed.

Indicators of resistance in the client

1. Verbal cues:

• Using phrases like “Yes, but…” or “I don’t think that’s possible for me.”
• Frequently saying “I can’t,” “I don’t know,” or “It’s too hard.”
• Offering excuses or rationalizations for why change isn’t possible.
• Deflecting or changing the subject when certain topics arise.

2. Non-verbal signals:

• Crossed arms or closed body posture.
• Avoiding eye contact or looking away frequently.
• Tense facial expressions or clenched jaw.
• Fidgeting or restless movements.

3. Emotional indicators:

• Sudden irritability or defensiveness.
• Withdrawal or emotional shutting down.
• Excessive agreement or people-pleasing (a form of passive resistance).
• Sarcasm or dismissive humor.

4. Behavioral patterns:

• Consistently arriving late or rescheduling sessions.
• Not completing agreed-upon actions between sessions.
• Giving short or vague answers to probing questions.
• Intellectualizing or over-analyzing instead of exploring feelings.

5. Energy shifts:

• A sudden drop in enthusiasm or engagement.
• Noticeable tension or heaviness in the conversation.
• A feeling of disconnection or distance between you and the client.

6. Repetitive patterns:

• Returning to the same complaints or problems without progress.
• Circular conversations that don’t lead to new insights.

7. Physiological signs:

• Changes in breathing pattern (e.g., holding breath, shallow breathing).
• Visible muscle tension or rigidity.
• Flushing or pallor in the face.

8. Cognitive indicators:

• Black-and-white thinking or absolutist statements.
• Focusing excessively on past failures or future worries.
• Difficulty imagining positive outcomes or possibilities.

9. Subtle avoidance:

• Talking about others’ problems instead of their own.
• Staying in abstract concepts rather than personal experience.
• Focusing on minor details to avoid core issues.

10. Paradoxical responses:

• Agreeing with everything you say without real engagement.
• Sudden tiredness or loss of energy when approaching certain topics.

Resistance is a sign that you’re approaching something important. By working with it and not passing over it, you guide clients to transformative experiences. Your role is to notice with compassion. You invite the client to explore. Even resistance is a valid expression of our true nature. Exploring it, we find that it naturally dissolves, revealing the freedom that was already present.